My Testimony

        Unlike some people,  I was born into a Christain family. That's all I've known my whole life, and that was a good thing, but also a not so good thing. You see, I felt that if  that was all I knew, perhaps that there was more out there I didn't know. Things I wanted to find out for myself. Things I wanted to discover in my self.  Don't get me wrong, I loved the Lord, and loved church and youth group etc... but was there more? 

        In my early 20's I met a guy named Darrin that I was very smitten with. Darrin was 7 years older and we ended up dating for about a year before he proposed. Little did I know when we first started dating, was he in fact a Jehovah's Wittiness. It came out while we were planning our wedding. Hello....pertinent information I needed to know!!  But, in my little Christian mind, I thought, well ok, this will work if I try the Kingdom Hall and then he tries my church (Skyline Wesleyan in San Diego Ca). I thought once he came to my church I would win him to the Lord and that will be that. Not at all true, not even in the slightest.  My siblings begged me not to marry him (even hours before the actual event). By that time, I was to embarrassed to turn back, plus all the money and planning...I just couldn't! Big mistake on my end! 

         Let me just tell you, those 6 years were miserable! Darrin was controlling, abusive and he didn't know if he wanted to be JW or an alcoholic from one day to the next.  I went to my Christian counselor I grew up going to (to heal and get through my parents divorce), and she blew my mind when she said that I would have to go before the elders of the Kingdom Hall!!  WHAT! Yep, she was right. when your unequally yoked, you have to follow  a whole different set of rules. So, that's what I did. Guess what!? They said they believe in marriages but since I wasn't one of them (a baptized JW), that they couldn't and wouldn't help me! One of those elders mind you was the best man from our wedding! This broke my heart. As bad as I wanted children, I begged God to not allow me to ever conceive. The Lord answered my prayer and I never did have a child with him. I will tell you though that I did pursue a divorce only after the abuse became to much. 

          Later that year before my divorce was final, I moved to North Carolina but not before moving to Idaho for a short 6 months. My little sister, Jo, was going through her own trials as was I. We chatted and decided together that we could go through our disheveled lives together and help each other out. Again, that was the farthest thing from the truth that actually happened. I will skip this entry since (although my sister and I don't speak unfortunately) She is still my sister in whom I want to protect. Her name in this has also been altered for her privacy. Let's just say, that was the beginning of the demise of our relationship. 

          So one thing lead to another and I got my own apartment. I loved it and it was my own. Iwas in a new state and I could start over fresh. I didn't want anything to do with church at this point because, well I felt I didn't need a God of disappointments. Of course more hurts and disappointments came and went. family turned their backs on me when I was at my lowest. I started doing things I never imagined myself doing. At one point, I was so low, I wanted to end my life. the pain and rejection was just to much to bare.  A marriage gone bad, self doubt, bad decisions, distant brothers, my own sister, my enemy, my Biological Mother, the devil's advocate, Drugs, and rape. I wanted so badly to be wanted, loved, needed and cherished. 

           Several years (and hard lessons) later, after pulling myself up by my boot straps, I decided to try  going to church again. The Lord lead me (I didn't realize it was Him at the time) to Calvary Baptist church in Winston-Salem N.C. I sat way over to the right side of the sactuary and towards the back. Just as I was starting to bail out of there because I freaked out, a women turned around and asked me if she could show me to a great singles Sunday school group. Then she said with a smile, "Assuming your single, that is".  Yep, I am. So she did just that. Let me just say, I was shaking from my very core of pure utter fear! When I walked in, the class wasn't overly big for a mega church class.  Those people welcomed me right in with loving arms. This is where the second and third post of my blog comes in. 

             Through all my life, I learned that in all the trials I endured, the Lord never left me. He protected me and loved me even when I turned away from Him. Although, I turned from Him, looking back, I could always feel His presence. While I was at Calvary Baptist, the Lord  put a mirror in front of my face. It was the worst and best moment of my life. you see, it showed me what I needed to correct with not just myself, but others. It was like a spiritual 12 step program that I chose to complete, to be able to move on in my faith and relationship with the Lord. During this time, I also learned another hard lesson. That just because you're healing and making things right, doesn't mean others with reciprocate. All I can do is focus on my relationship with the Lord and how He wants me to be and what He wants me to do. I can't worry how others see or feel about me. I made things as right as I can with others, but the Lord has to do a work in those who can't come together with me. I'm not perfect nor is any human being, we all make mistakes and Lord knows, I still do often. I still make people upset and I still have people who don't  like me. This is why staying in the Word and close to the Lord is so important because without Him, I just fail! 

             Of course my testimony goes far beyond these paragraphs, but you get the just. Listen, you're never to damaged to be loved and cherished by the Lord. You just have to open the door to you heart and let Him in ( Matthew 7:7-8). Trust in the Lord with all your heart, with all your mind! Proverbs 3:5. He loves you and He died for you...nothing get's more real than that! John 3:16.

               

 

 

*Note;  You will find other tie in threads of my testimony through out my blog pages. I wanted my testimony to flow through the  blog not just on one page.